BATTLING MENTAL ILLNESS

 I knew I needed a counselor, a therapist, a psychiatrist or a psychologist when I got through with secondary school and had to wait another year to rewrite my JAMB 2013 to 2015. My stay at home wasn't really a good one and even 2018 when I was done with my university, stayed at home for over two years and waited for my convocation so I could go for NYSC.  I didn't have a job or a skill to keep me busy. I was so frustrated and stuck at home with my Nigerian parents. And you probably would know how it feels to graduate from school and have nothing doing while still feeding from parents. 2018- 2020 were the years I felt depressed, sad, frustrated and started having thoughts of suicide. My parents loved me but they weren't you understanding as I wanted them to be. Gosh! The frustrations, anxiety disorder and depression almost took my life. I didn't know what to do with my life anymore. I kept running from house to house looking for safety and love but no one was ready to accommodate me. I don't know what conspired against me. But those years were the worst of my life. I saw hell and survived it. I desperately wanted someone to talk to, I saw no one. The psychologist I met wasn't ready to listen to me or hear me out. All the blames were on me. Which I now realize that nothing really was my fault. I needed love and safety. My family thought I was possessed with some spirit or demonic powers, so instead of we see a counselor or a psychologist as a family, they prayed. They thought prayers alone could solve or heal a mental illness, but it doesn't. In Nigeria, people don't value the works of therapist, counselors, psychologist or a psychiatrist. People believe mental illness can be healed by prayers, a pastor or prophet. In fact, mental illness is seen as demonic possession. So you tell someone, you want to see a therapist and he or she starts wondering if you are mad. Seeing a therapist means you are mad and all the stigmatization that goes with it.

This times, there are a whole lot of frustrations out there and people need someone listen to them or give them the love they desire. Humans are depressed and once in a while they need a pat on the back or someone telling them, it is going to be well someday, keep going. I needed a shoulder to cry on and when all efforts failed, I decided to write, then I discovered blogging. And I chose to blog all my pains and frustrations away. 

Only I knew the things I went through. Others never understood me and even felt indifferent. I had to love myself and do some healing alone. A very lonely journey of recovery and healing. My mental illness was as a result of abuse. I had faced chronic abuse as a child. I didn't know who to talk to or who to run to. I was so sad, frustrated and depressed coupled with the fact that University of Calabar didn't publish my results on time so I could go for service. I was jobless, broke, abuse and all alone without a friend. 

However, friends I could tell you that everything has it season and time. I survived those years and the stress of it all. A time to suffer and a time to stop suffering. I started loving myself, since then my life changed for good. Maybe what I needed only was just love, a friend and a listening ear free of judgement, criticism and stigmatization. I became my own friend, I gave myself the love I desired and since then I stopped feeling frustrated and depressed. It's been a great journey of healing and recovery. I took it one day at a time.

Elizabeth Diaries ❤️