That feelings


Dear Diary,

7th, January 2020

11:58am, Nigerian Time

I have never experienced that feelings. That feelings some girl do feel. The feeling of having a boyfriend. A full-time boyfriend. The contentment that comes with having a partner, one where feelings are mutual. I miss that part. Maybe I might experience the love later in my life. When others are having sex, I am on my little bed sleeping away time. When friends talk about their boyfriends, I get sullen, hiding in my shell. Every part of my life have been about struggle and love is one of it. Well, now I worry less. I let things flow naturally. I don't force friendship, relationship or a lover. I don't assume it in my head either. Now, I love myself more.

Most times I wonder if I will ever get married because I have never dated anyone before. I have had sex, but not really in a serious relationship. It was more of fun and a playboy thingy. I gave my heart out and got it broken. I am always friend zoned. No guy ask me out. And sometimes I just feel I am not normal, maybe something is wrong with me. A 24 years old girl going to 25 without a man. And other times, I accept everything in good fate.

Each time girls talk about their boyfriends, I don't tell them I don't a boyfriend to avoid being mocked or ridiculed.

I wish life be kind to me that I don't have to struggle or beg for love and things anymore. The past 24 years have been that of struggling. Struggling to be born, struggling to be in school, struggling to go to school, struggling to get good grades in school, struggling to get love from parents. I had everything I ever needed but I found myself struggling. Struggling to stop abuse at home, struggling to get my father say good things about me, struggling to be a good daughter. struggling to see a good marriage in my parents, crying as a child and thinking when my father will stop beating my mother and when things will be alright. But things went worst as the days break. 

It's lonely here I must say. Having to sleep at night with no one to cuddle me. Crying and no one comforts me. Expressing my love to myself because no one loves me better.

I hope life be kind.

Elizabeth Diaries ❤️


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