Elizabeth Diaries

Dear Diary,

Do you know that some parents would grow old and not know their children? They may know their negative and bad behaviours, but not their capabilities. I doubted every day if my parents had known me fully. No bond, no love ties that kept us together. I was just there. A lonely thing. I didn't even have good friends, probably because I wasn't good myself or I couldn't sustain the relationship. I heard my father asked of my name each time he was given a form to fill in my school. He didn't even know my name. He never attended my school meetings nor participated in the activities of my life. He doubted my capabilities. Everything I was able to do. He degraded me and he always made me feel useless. They saw me as that innocent virgin girl. They never knew I had been in one bad relationship, going to the second. The second was a good man who loved me so much. I was scared. I feared alot. I was scared of getting pregnant and my father packing me out of his house. Girls in my neighborhood were fond of getting pregnant and dropping out of school. I didn't want to be part of that. I had put more effort in my studies, but I wasn't comfortable with a man coming close to me. I didn't want to get pregnant. I was scared of sex. I couldn't have sex. Each time I tried, my vaginal walls tightened, he couldn't penetrate. I had suffered from fear and anxiety. One day, he took all the fears away, I was relaxed and had great sex. He handled me with so much care, saying nice words to me to calm me down. He made love to me, touching every part of me that needed to be touched. His tongue was on me. The first time I felt a tongue thrust inside of my inner thighs. Then, a full thrust. It was really painful. I screamed of pains. I couldn't take the pains anymore, I told him to stop. I enjoyed the love making. I hated him penetrating his thing inside of me. It was painful. Then, I discovered what fear and anxiety could do to a female's body. Fear is not nice.

Elizabeth Diaries ❤️