Elizabeth Diaries

Dear Diary,

Today, I am just confused. Confused of what decisions to make and which way to go. I want to choose between getting married and the religious life (becoming a Nun). But, I am so scared. I don't want to get married, then have a failed marriage and a broken home or go into the Convent, then leave later. I want to stay forever in the direction I chose. I want a place that will be good for me. I truly want happiness. I don't want to get stuck in a place I won't find happiness or regret all my life. I don't want to cry and regret all my life for the decisions I made years ago. Now that I am in my 20s and still young, I want to make good decisions. I am done with school and I am thinking of what next. Sometimes, I wish to get a job for myself or start a business that can give me money. I had said long ago that I don't want to depend on anyone anymore. My mother totally dependency on my father made us loose our life. We depended on him for money and every damn thing. I had known lack, fears, abuse and tortures. I didn't want this to repeat itself again. I can't stay in a bad marriage with a badly raised man. I can't stay with a man that no longer loves me, but decides to abuse me. The trauma was so much. I had had chronic depression, ulcers, migraine. I had no peace at home. In fact, I had left home on several occasions. I was never happy at home. I was never happy that my mother choosed to stay in a bad, terrible and an abusive marriage. No one was ever happy. Everything was a burden, home was broken. We were never loved. We never got the fatherly love from a father. He acted like a monster and sometimes, I wondered if he was really my blood father or a foster one. My only happiness was seeing my mother leave the marriage. But, No! She never left. She stayed and endured all the crap, abuse and lovelessness from a man who didn't love her anymore. She wasted her life, her youth and everything. The only thing she had was the children and the bad marriage. She spent 26 years with a man who never wanted any good for her. Each time I see her, I get so angry with her. I get so angry that I had such a mother you couldn't stand up for herself and get a voice or do something for herself. I am always angry they drew us into their messy marriage. They kept us unhappy. No one was allowed to leave. They were scared of the society and what people would say. They never knew that people never cared if they survived the marriage or die in it. We became bitter over everything. Home was no longer a home, but a big building. Marriage was like a cage. We couldn't leave, he stopped us from working or getting a job that can give us an income. He kept us indoors, shamed us and we had no voice. He was a selfish man who thought of himself only. Pride and ego destroyed his home. For this, I hated my own father. I had lived with him, I hated him every day of my life. I had forgiven him now, but I will never forget what he made us go through. The shame, the humiliation, the emotional neglect. Oh! My father was a selfish man who only thought of himself and his survival. He never loved us, neither did he cared how we coped with his extreme patriarchal hands. He was an extremist. He ruled his home with force, like a military zone. He never had feelings for anyone. We suffered, we cried, we survived through his toxic masculinity. Because of this, I had hated him and marriage. Each day, I feel marriage is not for me. I can love a man, but going to his house to be a full-time housewife is what I will never do. It is slavery.

Elizabeth Diaries ❤️